Realistic Expectations
Just as we stepmoms have to root out the expectations we bring to the marriage that might be causing hurt or conflict, dads, too, bring their own ideas to the family of how they want things to go. But everyone needs to acknowledge that in a stepfamily the rules are different.
Dad has to accept that as the new wife and stepmother, you start as a stranger to those kids. And therefore he must accept how stepfamilies differ from first families. “In a nonblended family, if people are making sacrifices for the children, they can feel like, ‘It’s for our children. It’s reasonable that we make sacrifices,’” Coleman says.
“But in a situation where there is not a biological tie, the stepparent often feels like, ‘Well, they ain’t my kids. It’s noble that you want to make sacrifices for them, but I don’t necessarily want to.’ Nobody likes saying or admitting that because it sounds so cold and selfish, but that’s the reality. The more that parents and stepparents can feel comfortable trying to have everyone’s needs factored in, the better off everyone will be.”
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